Blind dates - time to let this skeleton out

" People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates - hoping to hit the jackpot.  But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar" Sarah Jessica Parker

OK, today might be the day to do it.  You know, get one of those skeletons out of the ol' closet.  Discussion forums can be dangerous.  They hook you in with seemingly harmless questions and before you know it, you're spilling your guts out.

Yeah, I know I'm rambling and you're finding it hard to keep up.  So here's the nuts and bolts of it.  I was responding to a question about blind dates in a blogcatalog discussion thread and I was reminded of that single blind date I had.

   

Actually, I tell a lie.  I've had 3 blind dates now that I think of it!  Omg, how could I have forgotten!  Probably because they were all so long ago and nothing that I was particularly proud of.

They were nothing to be ashamed of either but I'd be lying if I told you I don't feel a tinge of... mmm...embarrassment thinking about them.  I mean, it's not something that I would want to broadcast, you know?

So why do I feel embarrassed?  Do I have to answer that question?  Yeah, well I might as well.

I guess it's mostly because I feel a bit of a 'failure' for having resorted to blind dates in the hope of finding the perfect man for me.  It's silly, I know.

It wasn't as if I wasn't meeting men and therefore needed some 'help'.  My workplace was teeming with them but they weren't guys I was attracted to.

I think the idea of a 'blind date' was enticing at the time. Looking back, I think it helped my imagination go on a bit of a joy ride, giving me some of the excitement that was clearly missing in my life at the time.  Work took up most of my energy and kids the rest. 

In fact, it got to a point that I was beginning to feel depressed.  (Gosh, it's all slowly coming back to me now. Damn skeletons).

I'd been to see  a counselor a few years before at the time my marriage was breaking up.  I found him useful and someone whose opinion I respected.  So, years later, when I could see myself starting to spiral down that vortex of depression, I gave him a call.

     

We talked and the gist of his advice was this: There's no reason why you should hold out on having a good time until you meet the 'perfect' guy.  Just relax, have fun and let whatever happens happen.

So I did.  And it released the pressure that was building up and dragging me down.  I was fortunate to have met some really nice men.  Yeah, nice, but my heart didn't flip and I didn't get excited about soaring into the galaxy with them.

I think at least one of them had rather hoped I would but I didn't and I wasn't going to pretend that I thought it might happen someday either.  So, eventually, it all stopped.  The pressure had been released and I had regained my confidence.  Funny that confidence thing - I hadn't even realized I'd lost it!

      

Anyways, that was all a long time ago.  There's a part of me that knows it was all good, all valuable, all necessary. That initial embarrassment I felt at the start of this post has gone.  I was a brave woman for having done it, for taking myself well out of my comfort zone.  And it's helped me realize that we're here to enjoy life and there's so many ways of doing that.

Depending on where you are, emotionally, mentally and physically, you're drawn to different things.  As long as you're not out to hurt anyone, including yourself, you'll find the field green and wide and the playground always open.

It's all part of your journey and every part is just as important and just as meaningful.  Really.  It takes a while to realize that, but eventually you do.  Nothing's wasted, you know.

Now, who am I saying this to?  You or me?  Perhaps both.

Just me, TBT

"To me every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle" Walt Whitman