When old dreams die

Spring has appeared like a new mural in the street gallery.  Leaves are falling like rain and while that may seem typical of autumn, here in Brisbane, it’s what spring does.  

The dried leaves of winter have decided to reconnect with mother earth.  I just swept some up from my little courtyard.

Uncharacteristically, there’s a cold wind blustering through and it's caught many of us unawares.  It's understandable. 

You look out your cozy dwelling and delight at the new leaves almost iridescent with golden sunlight while the sky beams a remarkable blue.  But step outside and the cold wind bites you with little hesitation.  Ouch!

I’ve never felt this way about spring before but I am feeling restless.  And yes, it is about spring for even though it is new and fresh and promising, I find myself standing still with a heart full of dying dreams.  

This spring is making me feel anxious.  No, I am not blaming it at all or holding it responsible.  I’m just saying that while it is offering me so much, I feel like I’ve been turned over like the page of winter in a book of seasons.  

I’m looking strangely wistfully at this new season and smelling the stale odor of these dying dreams of mine.  Why, I wonder, a little bewildered.

I think I know.  (Oh, don’t I love the process of writing for it brings to light what can hide in the shadows of familiar thoughts!)

I think they aren’t big enough anymore.  They no longer inspire me for they do not see enough of the largeness and grandeur of my spirit.  And that being so, I am now happy to let them die peacefully.

They’ve served their purpose.  They've kept me company through winter and like perfect gentlemen, they’re departing without overstaying their welcome.  

Thank you my gorgeous dreams of winter.  Thank you for keeping me warm and dancing with me throughout that season.  Thank you for walking me home.  And thank you for leaving so gracefully.

So, here I am spring, emboldened by your vibrant colors and unexpectedly cold winds.  Your candor is not wasted on me.  I shall rise to the occasion and fill your presence with mine. 

Like you, I’ll wear my bright colors and tease the air with fresh perfumes.  Like your new birds, I’ll sing and speak with enthusiasm and boldness.  And like the jacaranda that spreads its purple flowers softly across its branches and over the ground, I’ll spread my intentions and dreams softly across the universe.

Surely you're not thinking of resolutions....Are you???

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It is with some reticence that I write my final post for this year.  

In the northern part of Queensland, floods have been ferocious, engulfing thousands of homes, forcing families and individuals to evacuate into unfamiliar and not the cosiest of temporary refuge.  

How do you celebrate the auspicious closing of one year and the opening of a new one when, virtually in your backyard, thousands have been robbed of the spirit of celebration?  Or so it would seem.

I know that no sorrowfulness on my part will alleviate the flagging spirits of my neighbors.  I'm also reminded that, while the proximity of this latest disaster makes it less easy to ignore or even want to ignore, everyday, somewhere in the world, many more suffer disasters of one form or another.

So, here I am with a jumble of inconvenient thoughts and feelings.  Yes, inconvenient because they make me feel less than celebratory at this rather momentous time of years, old and new.

My expanding awareness of life's realities, however, provides some recourse.  

I can connect, in spirit, with the spirit of hope and faith within each of these people, here and everywhere else on this earth - hope and faith that things can and will get better even if we don't know the exact machinations of how.  

I can summon within me, the spirit of determination to focus on desirable possibilities rather than undesirable ones, and connect with others in this spirit of determination.

I can raise within me the natural spirit of glee and optimism rooted in my knowing that in any adversity, there are doors of opportunity.  We only have to have an open and willing mind.  (It wasn't all that long ago when I was homeless for eighteen months).

I can celebrate and increase the spirit of joy and hope that seeks to move freely throughout the world rather than be an obstacle to it.

These are the things that come to mind now.  They are anchored in my knowing that any outcome in the material/physical world has its origins in the mind, within the ever-expanding screen of our imagination.

I want to join all my friends and family across the world - those that I've seen face to face and those whose faces I've not seen but whose spirit I've felt deeply - in celebration.  

I'm not going to ask you what your resolutions for the New Year are.  But I do want to ask you what your dreams are.  Will you share them with me?

As for me, my dreams are of:

• meeting my perfect partner and  having an amazing, exciting, fun, adventurous, inspiring, romantic, liberating and adoring relationship with him
• enjoying the beauty and goodness and greatness of my two children as they experiment with life
• doing something truly significant in the service of others, something that I will enjoy wholeheartedly and that will benefit them in big and meaningful ways
• exploring and enjoying even more the friendships I have made, on and off-line - really seeing and enjoying the beauty and magnificence of each person I meet
• traveling to places where I can spend time enjoying the people and their spaces
• singing, playing guitar, writing, drawing, cooking much more competently, freely and frequently than I currently do
• enjoying wealth and abundance 

Wow!  There they are.  I didn't think I'd be making any of this public but, hey, another one of my ongoing dreams is to live more freely than I've ever done!  This is one way of doing it.

I do wish you, my very,very dear reader, with all the warmth and affection in my heart, a truly spectacular 2011.  May every desire of your heart be delivered in bountiful measure! 

Thank you for being such a beautiful part of my life in 2010.

Love, hugs and kisses - TBT