Saturday, January 8, 2011

'What a f***ing idiot!' and other rogue thoughts in this otherwise peace-loving, joyous mindscape of mine...

Okay, what I'm about to write feels more like a confession than an observation of my self.  What's the difference?

Bear with me while I think this through.

I think a confession is more like admitting that I'm wrong or less than scintillatingly wonderful.  Self-observation, on the other hand, is merely looking at myself without judging whether I'm right or wrong, good or bad etc.

Also, for me, self-observation serves many useful purposes, one of which is prompting me to ask myself:  Now was that useful?  And if not, what can I do instead?

BTW, I measure 'usefulness' in terms of whether and to what degree something allows my natural spirit of joy, peace and freedom to express itself.

Now that I've laid the ground for this post (oh, for cryin' out loud TB, get on with it, wiilya!), let me tell you exactly what bombshell I'm about to drop on the calm ground that I've just laid.

Mmm,...oh dear...this is rather embarrassing...but, oh heck, let me just say it straight out:

Lately, I've noticed I have commentary going on in my head that is less than kind or gracious.

For instance, the other day, when I heard the sudden sickening sound of a car burning rubber while I was working on my laptop, the thought, "What a f*#$ing idiot' sprang into my mind instantly.

There it was - silent, looming large and peering at me gleefully - as if it had always been there but, he he, this dim-eyed dreamer i.e. moi had only just noticed it.

I'm not sure which is more disconcerting - the thought itself or the feeling that it had always been there, somewhere in this mind of mine, one which I have been consciously trying to keep peaceful and loving and non-judgmental.  You know?

Now, you might be thinking:

Oh, for chrissakes TB, haven't you outgrown your christening gown?  So you've been cussin' and swearin' in your head.  BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGG B*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODY DEAL!!!!!!!!  Worse things have been known to happen, you know.

Actually, you've been guilty of worse things, surely???  Like plotting revenge (or actually taking it) or putting on the sulk and scowl or not paying your rent on time or making pathetic excuses for not wanting to be in someone's company or... we could go you want us to???

OK, you're right.  It's not the worse thing that I've done.  Not by far.  But, the thing is, WHY???

Why am I having these expletive-loaded thoughts (when I don't even use them in speech) and how the f*** do they manifest so instantly???  I mean, these days, I notice they're provoked by much less disturbing (ordinary and innocuous) incidents.  Like when I see women with extra weight on them.  This is really awful and I truly do not wish to offend anyone here so


Thoughts like' You're too f**ing fat', 'You gotta lose some of that, you fat slob' scroll through my mind. 


Seriously, if you've ignored the warning and read this far then I would urge you to CONTINUE READING because I am trying to understand this phenomenon (not encourage, promote, excuse or trivialize it), trusting, that as always, you'll be able to shed some light.

That this kind of thinking happens in my head is something I feel deserves some interrogation. If you ever met me or spoke to me, I'm pretty confident you'll find that I'm kind, loving, humorous, full of smiles and really into people.

I meditate everyday during which time I consciously open my heart and mind to the beauty and greatness and goodness of people and the things around me.

But alongside this typically peaceful, optimistic, people-loving person that I've learned to become there is this dark, almost comic aspect that rears its distasteful head (albeit in my head) every now and again.

And it doesn't just happen with strangers either.  It even happens when I think about my kids or when I'm with my friends like J and L and the other J.

'Who the f*** does he think he is???  He hasn't even kept up with the Science like I have but he f***ing thinks he knows f***ing everything'.

I hope you don't get the impression that this happens all the time.  It doesn't.  And it's because it's so infrequent that I actually do notice it :)

Neither do the thoughts last.  They are fleeting.  Rogues that appear and disappear so rapidly, you'd hardly have blinked in the time.

I also want to say that although these thoughts spring into my mind, the feelings I experience at the time do not match them at all.  Rather, they are mostly of warmth, affection and connectedness.

I mean, if those strangers or friends were to start speaking to me at the time of these desecrating thoughts, I'd almost certainly respond kindly, lovingly and joyously.  And I would be completely sincere.  No two ways about that, I can assure you.

So, there you have it.  My 'confession'.  And although I'm thinking of it as a confession, I really am not too disturbed about it and that's because I know that I really don't believe those things that these freak thoughts reflect.

No, that's not entirely true.  I am certain I do believe them to some degree though I may not always agree with them. And that's an important thing to note.

AND  I know that they do not determine or reflect MY INTENTIONS around the person which are ALWAYS AND UNCOMPROMISINGLY KIND AND LOVING AND WELL-MEANING :).  Of that you can be certain.

Anyway, I've said it now and I can't wait to read what you have to say.  Let me know?  Please pretty please????

PS  It's entirely possible these thoughts are directed at myself (even though they contradict the evidence/facts)... ;)

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