Monday, January 3, 2011

No, this is not 'fess up' time, but have you noticed similar things about yourself too?

There are at least ten topics that I could be writing about right now and just so I don't forget what they are, I'm going to list them here.  Expect them to turn up as posts sooner or later.  With proper titles.

  1. I hear you...
  2. I can tell you like beautiful things...
  3. What a f*#@*ing idiot...
  4. I'm jealous...
  5. The bigger the dream, the scarier...
  6. I'm a serial blogger...
  7. We had a crush on each other but didn't know it
  8. So much talent and so little time...or is that intent...?
  9. How to pre-program a wet dream and why you'd want to (she can't be serious???)...
  10. Ten observations
This post is about #10.  (Note how clever I was to make it the last on my list because it was the one I was least likely to forget?)

So, here's the context.  I've observed certain things about myself (You wouldn't have guessed??? Oh, shucks, now you're making me blush...) and I wonder, as I'm prone to do, if you've observed them about yourself too. 

I'll try to be pithy though sadly, pithiness is not one of my fortes as I'm sure you'll have noticed.  But to make your reading of this as painless as I possibly can, I'll list my self-observations and elaborate only when necessary and as briefly as possible ('Elaborate briefly' ???  Spouting oxymorons unwittingly does happen to be one of my fortes)

Right, here goes:

#1 When I say 'I can't' it's nearly always to hide the truth from others (and myself) that 'I really don't want to' or that 'I don't want to enough' (Do you need me to elaborate?)

#2  I'm often so busy reacting against something that I forget to stop and ask myself 'What would I really like instead?'
If I did the latter more often and more quickly (in other words, if I were a little more present to myself and my inner thoughts and feelings), I'd cut down my moment-to-moment discomforts by at least 90%.

For instance, I've realized that, if,  instead of trying to ignore the ache in my back (from sitting too long at my laptop), I remembered to ask myself how I would like to feel, I'd more quickly get up and move and stretch or lie down and do some yoga asanas, not reactively but calmly, lovingly and enjoyably!  I've realized that 'ignoring' is a passive way of resisting a situation.

#3  I feel a need to be precise about what I say in response to someone's remark or observation about me.
This is not so much about correcting them (or is it?) as it is about sharing (more) accurate information, information as I know and experience it.  After all, this is about myself.

#4  Taking the time to calm myself (when I've been mildly disturbed by my dog from whatever I'm doing) and saying sincerely in a gentle voice and with a smile, 'I love you' to my dog has a wonderfully soothing effect on me.  I've noticed it seems to immediately pacify her too.  I suspect this would work nicely on humans too.

#5  I've started justifying killing flies (one fly in my unit is one fly too many) by telling them before I commit the deed that I'm fulfilling their desire to quit this joint and hasten their rebirth into whatever form of life they desire,  Yes, it's important to me that I do everything with a good intent. 

Height of self-delusion, you think?

#6  Giving myself mini breaks from whatever I'm doing (especially when I'm working on my laptop) by just lying still, or making small, gentle movements, or breathing slowly and deeply or taking my dog out to do her toilet or cooking is a great way of de-cluttering my mind and allowing fresh thoughts to waft in.

#7  Asking myself often, 'What do I really want right now?' is like unclogging a blocked, stressed drain (like a blocked, stressed, uncreative mind).  It allows the free, unlimited flow of fresh ideas, true desires and wild imagination.

#8  Acknowledging things about myself that I find painfully embarrassing or frightening just creates an opportunity for me to move on, to actually know that it was a thing of the past and here I am, free to be and do whatever I choose.  I really do not have to avoid my history which is probably the surest way of repeating it!

#9  I'm less interested in details, especially sordid ones, about other people's lives but far more interested in their thoughts and feelings.  I realize that this matches my disinterest in the details of my own experiences and my heightened interest in my thoughts and feelings around them.

#10  I'm less troubled by guilt these days and more troubled by my lack of big dreams (and still puzzled about how best to tackle my frequent, though short-lived, pangs of jealousy but more of that in another post)

Yep, I've discovered that guilt has done me no great service over the years and that my lack of big dreams has kept me from living much more freely and joyfully than I have done.  Not any more though!

So, there you have it.  Ten observations about myself.  Not a 'Top Ten' by any means.  That was not the intention.  Rather it was about sharing what I've become aware of in recent times.

How about you?  Care to share some of your self-observations?

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