Thursday, May 26, 2011

For the sheer joy of it, nothing less

I just want to get into your pants.  I’ll say anything that will help me achieve that goal.  This is who I am.  I’m not someone who wants to sit and have erudite conversations.  This is not a long term relationship.  Doing this (having sex) will not alter the course of my life. 

For some reason, I’m reminded just now of the now universally known quote:
 Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Matter of fact, I’m often reminded of it and I often find reason to remind myself of it.  It’s as much universally known as it is universally applicable.  There is not an area in my life where this quote doesn’t have meaning.  

So here I am with someone whom I’ve been getting to know over three encounters and no, we’ve not had sex although he’s certainly tried.  And yes, despite what he says, he is quite capable of engaging in highly *erudite* discussions and even looked like he enjoyed them.

But we’ve not had sex and this has clearly not pleased him.  I, on the other hand, am wondering what to make of this experience.  

Why have I not yielded?  Why have I behaved in ways that are all too familiar?  Why have I not allowed myself the freedom to do something just for the heck of it?  Or because it could help me loosen up, be more free?  
 Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Alright, I’ll admit, it’s been years since I’ve allowed anyone to get this *close* physically.  Let me put it this way:  It’s been years since I’ve allowed a man to kiss me and touch me in certain places.  To that extent, I suppose I’ve done something different.  But to take it all the way, no, that hasn’t changed.


Perhaps because I still haven’t uncoupled this association that I carry in my mind between sex and love.  I still believe that they need to go together.  

I’m not saying that this is how it should be for everyone.  No, not at all.  If anything, I envy people who can have one without the other.  Well, it’s true that I can love without sex but I am really talking about the converse – sex without love.

And yes, I am told that men are wired differently to women and that for many men that second option is not only easily possible but often preferred.  

Women are different, I am told.  Most need an emotional connection although whether they think of it as love or not is unclear to me.

Do I need an emotional connection?  Yes.  Do I think of it as love?  I would like to and I would certainly want to feel it.  At the very least, it seems to me that I would need to feel very positive toward a man in order to want to have sex with him.  

So, I’ve been thinking:

In order to love unconditionally, don’t we need to be free?  To free ourselves from our inhibitions and attachments?  To take each moment, each person without judgment or expectation?  To give of ourselves without seeking anything in return?

High ideals indeed and some might argue, impossibly so.  But I think the *rewards* would be great, immeasurable actually.  I mean, to be able to do something for the sheer joy of it and nothing else, in fact, nothing less.

What are your thoughts, I wonder? 

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