I didn't come into this world to be 'safe' or 'The fear of writing fearlessly'

There are some thoughts that interest me and some that don't. (How's that for stating the bleeding obvious?).

Forgive me but I just felt I needed to say that and in all honesty, I cannot tell you why I did as I don't know the reason myself. Perhaps it's because it helps me get to what I really want to say, like a bridge across where I think you are and where I want to take you.  And where's that?

I'm not sure but let's start from here - a discussion thread I came across on an online forum:  

What kind of a writer are you?

It's not a question that particularly interests me although it prompted one that does:   

Why do I write what I write and the way I write?

I've chosen to blog (which, every now and again, qualifies as writing ;)) under the relatively safe guise of a pseudonym. It's a carefully chosen pseudonym albeit not the most original or intriguing. But it is intended to convey some truths about me that may be of interest to a reader.

I chose to write somewhat anonymously because it gives me a degree of freedom I am unable to access from within my given identity, at least not yet. My nom de plume, however, allows me to explore thoughts and ideas I've prevented my 'given' self from exploring. It also allows me to say things I do not give my 'given' self permission to say and in ways I tend not to allow it to.

You see, the character inside my nom de plume is one of the main characters in my soul's cast of characters that has thus far been denied an audience. It's true, it has been speaking but no one outside the cast has ever heard it. So I write to share its thoughts, feelings, opinions and observations and to find out how they affect others which, in itself, is no great shakes except that it has drawn my attention to something a bit more interesting.

I'd naively assumed that this character of mine would speak without fear or restraint. What I'm discovering is something quite the contrary. It is fearful and it is restrained, admittedly not always and not in the same way that my 'given' character is!

This observation surprises and disturbs me. If an assumed name and relative anonymity will not release me from my fears and inhibitions as a writer, what on earth will?  And at least as pressing and intriguing a question is, Why? Why do I not feel safe enough to be free?

I suppose I could just as easily and meaningfully ask the question, Why am I not free enough to feel safe?

What do I still fear?

Shall I be completely honest? It is that I may be disliked.

Now that I've said it, I can actually sit back and contemplate its significance. It's almost laughable from this psychological distance.

Imagine living my life just so that I will be liked by others. So what if people don't like me? Will it make me any less known or less appreciated than I currently am? Does it matter? Does it matter more than the freedom I'm denying myself?

I don't think so but I'd be deluding myself if I claimed that feeling liked and appreciated aren't good feelings. They're good, very good feelings indeed.  But I learned a while ago that my happiness is not contingent upon what others think or feel about me unless, of course, I choose to make it so.

I mean, you might think I'm wonderful today and waste no opportunity telling the whole world the same but tomorrow something might happen and you'll decide I am one ungrateful, deceitful, mean animal. It's true. It's happened to me and the person in question was someone who maintained throughout his 10-year tirade that he loved me and had never stopped loving me. What's more, some people actually believe him. And, of course, he believes it himself.

I'm grateful to him in many ways for many things. No, I'm not being facetious. I mean it sincerely. He helped me build my confidence. (He also helped tear it down but I'm past that). He showed me through his personality, how to come out of my shell and avoid melancholy which I can easily slip into. And he also made me discover the true meaning of love by demonstrating very clearly to me what it is not.

Oh gosh, I really didn't think I'd be dredging all this stuff up but that's what happens when you let a thought take you where it wants to go. Anyways, back to my fear of writing fearlessly.

Perhaps I just need to be patient with myself. Give my character time to feel safe enough to come to the realization that the 'safe' mind can never fully explore and experience the 'limitless unknown' which is what I think true magic is. And I want magic. I'm sure I came into this world for it. At least, I'm certain I didn't come here to be safe.

What do you think? Can you relate to any of this?

"It's only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all"  William James

   

     

   

William James and the bear you might want to know about

Yes, I know, I didn't do a great job on empathy in my last post.  I was, in my defense (not that you care), trying to stitch together a somewhat motley bunch of thoughts in one post.  In the process, I failed to mention one persistent thought that has kept me company much of this week. (I never was much good at sewing).

It's to do with that remarkable philosopher/psychologist, William James. As I was delving deeper and deeper into the subject of empathy, I felt I needed to revisit the subject of emotions and this revisit took me happily back to one of my favorite thinkers, William James, of course.

 

Given my deep and ongoing interest in the psychology of beliefs, it was only natural that I would want to refresh my memory of James' many and illuminating insights.  And here is one of them, and yes,  I am finally getting to the bear...

It's to do with what we believe about our emotions.  Most of us believe that our emotions drive our thoughts and actions.  Well, James claimed quite the reverse.  And here's the bear bit.

He explained that, if you saw a bear, you'd run and because you ran, you'd be afraid.  Yeah, swallow that slowly. 

Never, no way, no waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy, you say.  Yeah, it does seem counter-intuitive.  Surely it's because we fear the damn thing that we run!

 Image from solarnavigator.net

Well, interestingly, and not entirely beyond our means to personally observe, there are a whole range of physiological responses that happen upon our perception of something that we (eventually) find terrifying.  Responses such as accelerated heart rate, sweaty palms and pupil dilation.  According to James, our sense of this whole bundle of responses is what constitutes an emotion, which, in this case, is fear.

So, how do we test/observe this claim?  Well, we could draw on our experiences or create fresh ones.  For instance, you know that when you get tickled, you laugh and generally feel happy.  (You don't?  Thems the pity!).  And when you think or imagine getting tickled, you laugh too, or at least smile, feeling happy.  

Why?  Because there are a number of physiological changes happening within you when you get tickled (or when you think about being tickled) and your sense of these changes results in the emotional state of happiness. 

Or take exercise as another example.  We assume we feel happy when we've exercised.  We assume that we're happy because we've done something good for ourselves.  But as we now know, and as Science shows us, there are many physiological and neurochemical changes happening in our bodies when we exercise, including the release of endorphins.  What we call a happy feeling, or a state of happiness, is a sense of these changes.

It's not fear or anxiety that causes that tightness or sinking feeling in your stomach.  According to James, it's the tightness/sinking feeling in response to your environment, both external and internal, that causes the experience of fear or anxiety.

And why should any of this be important to you?  Well, it needn't.  But, if you want to stay ahead of your emotions and ensure that they don't rule you, then it helps to pay attention to what's happening within you and the changes that are taking place.

There's a form of Buddhist meditation called Vipassana which focuses on observing changes happening within your body.  It's often described as 'choiceless awareness' because you make no attempt to change what's happening, only to be aware of what's happening.  

As you learn to be more observant, you begin to notice how changes in your body predict the emotions that you eventually feel.  

I've often noticed, for example,  how I might feel a sudden heat rising through my body, especially through my spine and it's not entirely pleasant.  It may happen while I'm watching television or reading a book or working on my laptop.  It's then that I realize that I'm not enjoying whatever it is I happen to be doing.  

Sometimes, what I happen to be doing is thinking about a certain thing (even while I am physically preoccupied with something quite unrelated).  It's often something, which, in the past, has had unpleasant associations.  I then make use of this information to either do something different or think a different thought.  

When we lash out physically or verbally at someone, its not because we're angry.  It's because we lash out that we are angry. According to James.  

I think the key thing here to remember is that our minds and bodies are always responding to changes in our environment, most of which we are unaware of.  And it's these changes that give rise to our reactions. It's our feeling of these changes and reactions that constitute the emotion.

Much as I admire and appreciate James' contribution to our understanding of what and how we are as humans, I have to say that, while he's not wrong, I don't think he's entirely right either.  I do think that there's a complex interplay of events - physiological, neurological, biochemical, sensorial and cognutive, to name a few - that give rise to our emotions and which can both be dictated by them as well as dictate them.  The Perceptual Theory of emotions may provide a better explanation :)