Mind games

It could be very flattering to find that even though you've not been posting (in my case, I note with mild horror, for over a month), some people ( 79Sparrows and Count Sneaky, for example) still remember you and consider your blog/s worth leaving a comment at or asking 'Wassup???' (sorta). 

It could be flattering.  In my case, it isn't.  It feels good though...the sort of feeling you have when an old friend calls or emails out of the blue (ever wondered why 'blue'?).  When that happens to me, I feel loved.  Oh, yes, I know, you may think it too strong a word for the context, but 'love' for me is not inebriated with either Hollywood or Christian extremism a la


I can't live without you
You make me complete
For god so loved the world that he gave his only son...

Rather, love for me is the flowing energy of the universe, the ocean of our very existence.  So to 'feel loved' means to feel that flow of energy in a fresh way, or to feel it when you have not felt it for a while.  It's a good feeling.

It's particularly good when you've been suffering (or should I say 'reaping') the cleansing benefits of a traditional Thai massage while adjusting to a dull landing from the frivolous heights and entertainments of a brief holiday. 

The former presented as a head cold - fluids suddenly emerging from the nose, head as tight as am overstretched Indian drum and a digestive system that wasn't a hundred percent cooperative.  (Who could blame it after all the excesses it had been subjected to?).

The latter on the other hand may have been a little less straightforward, shall we say.  A brief holiday...yes, well, a week, before which I wondered why and feebly resented the fact that I was spending it in Melbourne,  Again. 

No, no, don't get me wrong.  I LOVE Melbourne and I LOVE spending time with my daughter and we did have a FABULOUS time with LOTS of laughs and GREAT food and NICE walks and SILLY shopping and GOLD club movies.  So why the wondering and resentment?

Well, I guess it's because I really would have preferred to be in Paris or Amsterdam or New York breathing the air there, drinking their coffee, walking their streets, strolling their parks, visiting their bookstores, sitting in their cafes and eating their muffins or profiteroles or croissants or whatever, smelling their smells, watching and talking to their people.

But that was how I felt BEFORE I went to Melbourne and AFTER I returned.  While I was there, however, I was fully there and joy was mine. 

Returning, however, felt rather like that unavoidable and discomforting thud of an aircraft's wheels as it lands abruptly on flat ground, having only seconds before soared at flamboyant heights and speeds. The ground is the same - hard and flat - and, if you're lucky, it's not wet with pouring rain.  Not that I dislike pouring rain.  I love it, just not when I'm returning to same ol'.

So, you see, the mind plays these games: 

• You enjoy one thing but you want more or, as in my case, something different. 
• It is grateful, very grateful for all the things you have, but it wants other things...too...or instead.
• It wants to be free of commitments but wants to be free to make those it chooses to.
• It applies itself to the task or activity at hand but its background chorus wails 'This is not what I want'.
• It allows you to smile and engage fully with people around you but afterwards it sulks because you haven't yet made the friends you say you want to make or done the things you say you want to do or been the places you say you want to be.

And it never fails to point out that, by and large, your life hasn't changed all that much despite your bold intentions and shameless faith.

But I think it could be mistaken.  Much has changed.  Dreams have become wilder and more vivid.  Steps, tiny as they may be, are being taken.  And faith quickly shows fear the door almost every time.

Significant changes.  Not to be taken lightly or overlooked. 

Your mind's games?

'For no apparent reason'

I like simple answers.  I think most people do.  But we don’t always get simple answers in life, which can be a right pain in the rear.

Why are Mum and Dad divorced?  

Because they don’t feel they can continue to live with each other?

Why not?

Because they want different things in life and they feel they won't be able to have them while they are together.

In that case, can my little brother and I get divorced?

Eh, well no.

Why not?

Because you aren’t married.

But I don’t think we can continue to live with each other either.  And I want different things to what he wants.

Yes, but you’re not married to your little brother so it would not be possible to divorce him.

Well then, can we not live together anyway?

What’s the simple answer to that?  No?  If so, why not?  Yes?  If so, really? 

I wish we had simple answers to all questions.  

I suppose you might be wondering: What’s a ‘simple’ answer?  What’s the definition of ‘simple’?  And why is ‘simple’ attractive or desirable?

All good questions and, sadly, no simple answers!

The Free Online Dictionary offers several definitions, one of which is: 

having or composed of only one thing, element or part

When an answer is simple, it either speaks to only one part of a multifaceted whole or speaks to all of the whole equally.

Both of these may be adequate sometimes, though not always.

Any answer that satisfies a need is appealing.  An answer that does not require much or any additional information or processing than has already been expended is highly desirable.  And it is simple.

However, a short answer like Yes, No, I don’t know or Maybe, while brief and apparently simple may in fact pose, mask or invite great complexity.  

For instance,

How are you feeling?

I don’t know.

Why don’t you know?

Hmm…how does one answer that?

Or

How are you feeling?

I don’t know.

Are you feeling sad?

Maybe.

Are you feeling confused?

Maybe.

Are you feeling comfortable?

Yes.

What is one to make of that???

Or again:

Can you explain yourself?

No.

Hmm…I wonder why…

So why am I interested in simple answers?  Because I find myself asking difficult questions like

What is this feeling I’m feeling where I’m despondent for no apparent reason?

How can I get out of it?

Why does this feeling feel sweet yet melancholic?  And,

Why am I afraid of it?

‘For no apparent reason’ is the least simple of all answers, come to think of it.

Why meditate? And other realizations...

 

The composite image above is made up of two photographs that I took, one in Brisbane, the other in Melbourne. 

At various times today, in between the reading Ive been doing, I started writing what I thought might be blog posts.  But I wasn't drawn to finish them.  It's only since I've been playing with these images this evening that I felt I had something I wanted to share. 

And then there are some thoughts/reflections/insights that I've had and have been noting down.  These too I'd like to share.  The asterisked ones are those I know I've heard or read somewhere other than in my conscious mind.  Perhaps you've thought of them too.  I'd love to read your thoughts on them and other things that are on your mind, as always :)

When one door shuts, you have {Infinity-1} doors to choose to walk through to you next excitement and adventure.
 
Whatever you believe, you are right *
 
You are naturally free, limitless, powerful and abundant, nothing less.  
 
What do you want right now?  What is the next excitement, joy or delight you wish to feel?
 
Focus on what you want.  Dream bigger and bigger and bigger still.
 
You can never fail.  You have never failed.  You have merely experienced something you did not intend.  That is not failure.  That is a treasure trove of insights, understandings and opportunities for refinement.
 
You don’t have to believe everything you think. *
 
Who are you?  Who are you?  Who are you?  You are nothing short of Extraordinary, Remarkable, Magical, Undeniably Magnificent, Awesomely good.
 
The path to financial abundance is an emotional one. * Abraham of Esther and Jerry Hicks
 
You cannot convince yourself of who you are.  You can only recognize and accept it – your greatness, joy, peace, abundance and limitlessness – recognize and accept all of it.
 
Recover your attention from the limited perception you have of yourself and cast it back on infinite and eternal power, presence and possibility.
 
Hurrying is a reflection of a lack of faith, of complete knowing, that all is well and has only ever been well and will only ever be well.
 
Hurrying is a reflection of a lack of faith that the All-Power that expresses itself through you is not capable of bringing to you exactly that which you desire and at exactly when you are ready for it.
 
Here is a powerful realization – everything you do is an expression of habit, especially the habits of the mind.  
 
When you realize that most thoughts, feelings, words and actions are habits, nothing more, you will be ready to diffuse the power they seem to have on you and replace them with new habits that empower and honor you.
 
Be a god addressing other gods. * Wallace D Wattle

When old dreams die

Spring has appeared like a new mural in the street gallery.  Leaves are falling like rain and while that may seem typical of autumn, here in Brisbane, it’s what spring does.  

The dried leaves of winter have decided to reconnect with mother earth.  I just swept some up from my little courtyard.

Uncharacteristically, there’s a cold wind blustering through and it's caught many of us unawares.  It's understandable. 

You look out your cozy dwelling and delight at the new leaves almost iridescent with golden sunlight while the sky beams a remarkable blue.  But step outside and the cold wind bites you with little hesitation.  Ouch!

I’ve never felt this way about spring before but I am feeling restless.  And yes, it is about spring for even though it is new and fresh and promising, I find myself standing still with a heart full of dying dreams.  

This spring is making me feel anxious.  No, I am not blaming it at all or holding it responsible.  I’m just saying that while it is offering me so much, I feel like I’ve been turned over like the page of winter in a book of seasons.  

I’m looking strangely wistfully at this new season and smelling the stale odor of these dying dreams of mine.  Why, I wonder, a little bewildered.

I think I know.  (Oh, don’t I love the process of writing for it brings to light what can hide in the shadows of familiar thoughts!)

I think they aren’t big enough anymore.  They no longer inspire me for they do not see enough of the largeness and grandeur of my spirit.  And that being so, I am now happy to let them die peacefully.

They’ve served their purpose.  They've kept me company through winter and like perfect gentlemen, they’re departing without overstaying their welcome.  

Thank you my gorgeous dreams of winter.  Thank you for keeping me warm and dancing with me throughout that season.  Thank you for walking me home.  And thank you for leaving so gracefully.

So, here I am spring, emboldened by your vibrant colors and unexpectedly cold winds.  Your candor is not wasted on me.  I shall rise to the occasion and fill your presence with mine. 

Like you, I’ll wear my bright colors and tease the air with fresh perfumes.  Like your new birds, I’ll sing and speak with enthusiasm and boldness.  And like the jacaranda that spreads its purple flowers softly across its branches and over the ground, I’ll spread my intentions and dreams softly across the universe.

Is anything possible? Or should that be...

Is anything impossible?

Stories like this just confirm to me that the source and capabilities of our power transcend the limitations of the *conditioned* mind.



I haven't been posting much this last couple of months. I've been occupied with some of the other things that I have a passion for - teaching, copywriting and mentoring.

All of these have been a wondrous and delightful manifestation of my desires and dreams - set free from the habitual fears and doubts that I've carried for most of my life.

And it's only getting better... :)

And how have you all been? How have you been traveling? How are you shaping your life? You know how much I love hearing from you. Please do drop a line or two and share with me.

May the Power of Infinite Love flow freely through us all!

What a brilliant idea!

This is an idea that could be used with anything really - music, writing, cooking, interior design, fashion, photography...I would certainly love to give it a go, not necessarily on the scale as Shea Hembrey's, but one wide enough to provide qualitatively different experiences as you entrain with the different *people* and their cultural, historical and personal backgrounds. Genius itself :)

For the sheer joy of it, nothing less

I just want to get into your pants.  I’ll say anything that will help me achieve that goal.  This is who I am.  I’m not someone who wants to sit and have erudite conversations.  This is not a long term relationship.  Doing this (having sex) will not alter the course of my life. 

For some reason, I’m reminded just now of the now universally known quote:

 Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Matter of fact, I’m often reminded of it and I often find reason to remind myself of it.  It’s as much universally known as it is universally applicable.  There is not an area in my life where this quote doesn’t have meaning.  

So here I am with someone whom I’ve been getting to know over three encounters and no, we’ve not had sex although he’s certainly tried.  And yes, despite what he says, he is quite capable of engaging in highly *erudite* discussions and even looked like he enjoyed them.

But we’ve not had sex and this has clearly not pleased him.  I, on the other hand, am wondering what to make of this experience.  

Why have I not yielded?  Why have I behaved in ways that are all too familiar?  Why have I not allowed myself the freedom to do something just for the heck of it?  Or because it could help me loosen up, be more free?  

 Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Alright, I’ll admit, it’s been years since I’ve allowed anyone to get this *close* physically.  Let me put it this way:  It’s been years since I’ve allowed a man to kiss me and touch me in certain places.  To that extent, I suppose I’ve done something different.  But to take it all the way, no, that hasn’t changed.

Why? 

Perhaps because I still haven’t uncoupled this association that I carry in my mind between sex and love.  I still believe that they need to go together.  

I’m not saying that this is how it should be for everyone.  No, not at all.  If anything, I envy people who can have one without the other.  Well, it’s true that I can love without sex but I am really talking about the converse – sex without love.

And yes, I am told that men are wired differently to women and that for many men that second option is not only easily possible but often preferred.  

Women are different, I am told.  Most need an emotional connection although whether they think of it as love or not is unclear to me.

Do I need an emotional connection?  Yes.  Do I think of it as love?  I would like to and I would certainly want to feel it.  At the very least, it seems to me that I would need to feel very positive toward a man in order to want to have sex with him.  

So, I’ve been thinking:

In order to love unconditionally, don’t we need to be free?  To free ourselves from our inhibitions and attachments?  To take each moment, each person without judgment or expectation?  To give of ourselves without seeking anything in return?

High ideals indeed and some might argue, impossibly so.  But I think the *rewards* would be great, immeasurable actually.  I mean, to be able to do something for the sheer joy of it and nothing else, in fact, nothing less.

What are your thoughts, I wonder?